I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
