i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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