she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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