btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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