That reminds me...we need to get swords
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
