What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
