the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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