I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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