One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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