you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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