grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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