I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
