He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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