I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
