he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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