I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
