she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
