I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
