I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
