Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
