Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
