Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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