he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
