I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
