I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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