He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
