so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
