I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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