I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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