She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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