i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
