You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
