pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
