highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
