seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am naked and annoyed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
