I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
