walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
