I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
