it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
