I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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