Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
