Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
