We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
