Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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