I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Say something about gay babies.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
