I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
