I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
