I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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