you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
