I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i dont even know how to be here
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
