You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
