I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
