so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
