im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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