I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
