"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
