It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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